I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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