I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My vagina just recognized that song.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
