I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
how can u be prego again
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
