I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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