Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm too high and old for this...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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