I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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