Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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