New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
