You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
