My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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