Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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