im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
