your thong is hanging out like whoa
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
