he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
