I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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