I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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