I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
