i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
