he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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