Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
pray to the hookup gods
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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