Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
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It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
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We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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