The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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