My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
