I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
