Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
