Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
