I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
