She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
