i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
