I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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