we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
