who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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