Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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