What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
