can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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