oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
