I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Enjoy the penises
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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