One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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