your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
