In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
