I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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