dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
