Best friends brother. Beat that.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
