There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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