I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
