Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
