I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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