My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Alive.
So much puke
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
