Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
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How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
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There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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