Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
