Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
