i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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