i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
