Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
