allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
