So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
