i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
